I would have to say my actual coming out story started when I was around 13, at least that is when I started to realize I had different feelings than the other girls in my class. All of the other girls were talking about their boyfriends and getting all excited about the school dances. I had no interest in having a boyfriend, I thought boys were great for playing football with but I had no interest in anything more. But like every other 13 year old girl I wanted to fit in. My friends all had boyfriends and I felt weird not having one. I let the comments from my friends about my lack of a dating life roll off my shoulders until high school. I began to date a very nice guy who was in my social studies class. I don’t even know if I would call it dating since all we did was walk around the school holding hands. Finally I felt like I could fit in. I didn’t date any guy for very long since after about a month they would want to do more than just hold hands and anything more seemed gross to me.
Finally during my Junior year in high school something happened that changed my life. I met Aisha. We were working on the school play together, she was one of the actors and I was the costume designer. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and every time she stepped in the room my stomach filled with butterflies. I didn’t know why I was feeling this way for her I had never felt that way about anyone before. I was terrified to share these feeling with anyone else. I was sure that my friends would think I was weird and stop speaking to me since they had made jokes about gay people many times before. Aisha and I became fairly good friends and we would hang out after the plays and eat lunch together during school.
During the first dress rehearsal for the play our friendship changed suddenly. I was in the costume room making sure the costumes fit the actors and it was Aisha’s turn to try on her costume. We were in the room alone together and when I handed her the costume our hands touched and it was as if electricity was ignited between us. I looked at her and she at me and then she smiled and then she kissed me and I thought I was going to burst. Soon after our encounter in the costume room we would meet secretly to be together. Neither of us had told our families about our relationship but we figured it was about us and our families didn’t need to know everything. I loved everything about her. I loved the feel of her milk chocolate skin, the smell of her hair, the sound of her voice, the feel of her lips against mine. I loved every minute I was with her. Unfortunately she was one grade ahead of me. Only a few months after falling in love with her she had to move away to go to college. I was heart broken, I had never felt so close to another person. After school ended I did not hear from her, she would not return my phone calls. She was gone and I felt so lost.
After the heartbreak of that relationship I told myself I didn’t want to be gay. I would try to date guys like all of the other girls. I thought life would be easier if I was normal. I decided to turn my attention to other things, I got very involved with the drama program and tried to stay as busy as I could then I wouldn’t have to think about it. After graduating high school I decided to be trained as a nanny. That worked out great, I loved kids. Once I became a nanny I threw myself into my job. I moved to Ohio for a nanny job. I worked pretty much everyday. I cooked all of the meals, cleaned their 3 story house, did all of the laundry, and cared for their 4 kids. I loved my job. I loved the kids as if they were my own. But after caring for this family for 9 years and giving my own life little thought I became concerned. I was almost 30 and have not really lived my life the way I want to live it. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I had been living and a very small conservative town and knew that being gay there would be tough. After coming out to my family and friends I was relieved nobody was shocked at all and most already knew. Then I had to come out to my employers which could be a little more difficult since I was living in their house and they were a fairly Catholic family. They had some close family friends who were gay but it is different when someone is living in your house and so much a part of your kids’ lives.
I asked my bosses if they could sit at the dining room table with me without the kids. When they sat down I began to cry, I didn’t know how they would react and I was so afraid of losing not only my job also my home. The mother of the children wrapped her arm around me as I cried then I went ahead and told them through my tears “I’m gay”. They both said “what is that all?’ They told me that they had been suspecting for a while.
Not long after I came out to my employers I discovered me being gay was a much bigger deal than they let on. After 3 weeks they sat me down and let me go. The said “we feel it is time for us to let you spread your wings” they then said I had 2 weeks to pack up my things and move away. They had already hired a new nanny. I was devastated.
I was lucky to have some close friends who lived in VA Beach and they told me I could live with them as long as I need to get back on my feet. That worked out well since I could just drive there.
I lost that job almost a year ago and I am finally not angry anymore. I have my own place and a new job. Right after I moved I was very angry at my employers in Ohio. I had been a part of their family for 10 years and only 3 weeks after coming out to them they fired me. Now the anger has subsided and I am moving on with my life. I still think of the children everyday and miss them terribly. But one thing is for sure My worst day now is 20 times better than my worse day before I came out. I now have a sense of pride. I can now live my life for me and not try to be what others want me to be. I used to be ashamed to be different. I am now proud to be me.
